Hurricane Attendance Freakout will hit the Tampa Bay area today so you need to do all you can to be prepared! It will be a nasty storm – a Category 5 on the UselessStory Scale first developed by Ron Burgundy in San Diego. To survive the storm, here is what you need to do:
- Continue to read Rays blogs for the latest information. This storm can change direction at any time and turn into a discussion about how cheap Stu Sternberg and his partner are.
- Prepare your property for high winds. Colin Cowherd, Mike and Mike, Steven A. Smith, Steve Duemig, and Peter Gammons are likely going to blow a lot of hot wind on the matter today so hunker down.
- Fill your car’s gas tank: Just in case you decide to fight the traffic and geography and drive over to the Rays game tonight.
- Stock up on prescription medication: The important stuff, anti-acid for when the offense is being shut out by a rookie lefty with a mid 4’s ERA and Prozac to relax when you see yet another Rays batter strike out with men on base.
- Turn your refrigerator to the lowest setting: If you’re one of the tens of thousands of fans who are staying home and watching the game and helping the Rays set franchise records for television ratings, you need to ensure your beer remains cold if the power goes out from all of the blowhards on television and radio today.
- Unplug small appliances: After all, since nobody is going to the games, nobody must care about the Rays, right? I mean, what are record television ratings and radio ratings mean these days anyhow?
- Review evacuation plan: The safest place to survive this storm is Tropicana Field itself. After all, it was designed to handle these types of storms so actually going there is your best plan. If you can afford to make it, plan a route over the Howard-Frankland or Gandy to get across the bay in the quickest amount of time.
Follow these steps and you too could survive the worst storm to hit the bay area in years. Vigilance!